Friday, August 26, 2016

Losing My Religion

So, I've been having a difficult year -- a "Record Year" to borrow a phrase from my favorite country artist, Eric Church.

Beginning last year about this time, I started really struggling with severe depression and a host of health problems. Last October I wound up in the hospital with a severe staph infection that nearly cost me my leg, and eventually *did* cost me my law practice. From October 31st to now, I underwent a massive health crisis -- losing about a hundred pounds and ending up a shadow of my former 261-pound self.

I still struggle with all these things and more that I'll leave unmentioned except to say that I've been unemployed for all this time and struggling very hard to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

Needless to say, since being released from St. John Medical Center on December 11, 2015, I've applied for hundreds and hundreds of jobs of all types. I am really hoping to go back to project management, but with so long a hiatus as an attorney, it's been difficult to get these recruiter firms to stop and take a serious look at me.

Along the way, I've tried and mostly been successful at staying close to God and keeping my religion together -- indeed, the experience initally solidified my faith through the great group of doctors and staff at SJMC and the pastoral staff there as well.

But as the months have dragged on I've become increasingly shrill in my pleading for God's protection and favor. Unfortunately, to absolutely zero avail. I don't hear anything from Him. I don't feel His presence. In fact, I increasingly feel abandoned by God. It is so bad now that I'm beginning to question His very existence.

I'm literally losing my religion.